We are called to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. It is clearly written in Mark 12:31, “The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Then why do we tend to love them more than ourselves? Why do we try so hard for everyone else, and yet not offer ourselves the love, kindness or grace we deserve? We willingly sacrifice our time and resources for everyone and all their causes, but why not ourselves? For me I got sucked into the ‘pleasing’ game. I was afraid to fall short because I was an at home mom, and I should have the time to do and be all, right?
I fell victim to the sign up sheets for meals to be taken to new moms, other people’s children that needed tending to, snacks for preschool, baked goods for Sunday mornings at church, take home treats for school parties… and the lists were endless…and I was on them all. I would make the dinner at the expense of my own family’s dinner…stressing over what to make, how to make it, how to transport, when to take it. And I’d be miserable to my kids while I was doing it. I’d stress about the additional financial expense of it – then deliver it with a smile, usually un-showered with the kids screaming in the car, to return home to clean while still being miserable, tired and frustrated. But I was kind to my neighbor, right? And that’s what I was being called to do, right?
As I grew with my kids, I realized that I needed to be kind to myself as a mother, as a woman. We need to care for ourselves before we are able to properly care for those around us, from our spouses to our families to our neighbors. I once made a comment to my husband after I polished my nails, saying, “I forgot how much I liked having my nails polished.” His response floored me, he said, “I didn’t.”. How many times would I look down and think, “how many days have I been wearing these sweat pants?” (16 years ago yoga pants were for the elite yogi masters, I had sweat pants, the kind with elastic around the ankles- perfect for sleep, toddler play, cleaning and sleep again!) I wasn’t showering but I was concerned with what the newest mom thought about the dinner I had taken her…
For some it’s about outward appearance, I am all for that, love me some pretty lipstick and a little arm candy, and a hot bubble bath. For some it’s exercise, a walk, time under a tree perhaps? Time with a friend or grandparent. However, in my experience none of it matters if my heart isn’t right, then it doesn’t matter what the outside looks like or who I spend time with. For me being kind to myself and loving myself has been a journey that didn’t happen over night. Somewhere along the line, I fell on my knees because I just couldn’t anymore. As I started redeveloping my relationship with Christ I noticed that it fed my soul and gave me peace. In this I realized it was actually peace I was craving and that peace was my joy and happiness. In my frenzy of trying to be more than I could be, or even really wanted to be if I was honest, to everyone else I had lost myself. Being kind to myself, pouring into myself was how I started to find who God had really intended me to be, as a wife, mom, friend and neighbor.
It takes some humility to realize you haven’t been being kind to yourself and take the steps to start the process. For me with a gaggle of small children I wasn’t able to take an hour a day all at one time to do a devotional…but I could do little whispered prayers of thanks throughout my day. And when a child wouldn’t nap and I’d lay with them, I would use that as prayer time as well. It was an intentional choice. It wasn’t and isn’t always easy, I could have easily spent that time thinking about the dishes that needed to be done, the bills that needed to be mailed or the food I forgot to defrost for dinner. I often find myself wanting to ditch my intentional living when a call comes in, or a kid wants to go somewhere last minute…but I know in the end I can call them back when I have the time to devote to them. I can have my child wait for 15 minutes or find a ride. For me that is being kind to myself by not stressing out while shuffling kids to the car while catching up with a friend on the phone and at the same time honoring them by giving them 100% of my attention when I have time to listen to them, and being present during my current LIVE life situation. Sometimes it takes me a month to find the time to call back, ask my friends, but in the end, it allows me to love them and myself better.
I still give a lot to others but I have learned I can’t be kind or love anyone well, let alone as Christ loves me if I am not kind to myself first. I can easily get lost in the hustle of two teenagers, a middle schooler and a soon to be double digit kid besides running a business and being a wife, but through my intentional focused time for me
(sometimes it’s only 5 minutes in a day, but it’s intentional) I am able to give more to them, love them well. And, yes, sometimes things get away from me, I let life take the lead and I have to gently remind myself to get things under control and be kind to myself again. To speak kindly to myself, for when we do we give ourselves permission to speak kindly to others. When we compliment ourselves, we give ourselves permission to compliment others. It’s what we put into ourselves that allows us to give back in kindness and love to others. And that my friends is what we are called to do, love our neighbor as we love ourselves.
(sometimes it’s only 5 minutes in a day, but it’s intentional) I am able to give more to them, love them well. And, yes, sometimes things get away from me, I let life take the lead and I have to gently remind myself to get things under control and be kind to myself again. To speak kindly to myself, for when we do we give ourselves permission to speak kindly to others. When we compliment ourselves, we give ourselves permission to compliment others. It’s what we put into ourselves that allows us to give back in kindness and love to others. And that my friends is what we are called to do, love our neighbor as we love ourselves.
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