Ironically I had this post about completed when a viral post kept coming up in my news feed called Stop being a butthole Wife- seriously that’s what it’s called. I saw it over and over again but hadn’t taken the time to read it. Then my husband said, “hey did you see this article?” Me, “yes, but I didn’t read it.” Hubby, “I did. I think I’m the butthole wife in this marriage.” Me, “oh, really….?” I still haven’t read it, but he paraphrased it for me. Basically the writer is referring to wives who nag their husbands about being messy, leaving clothes on the floor etc. She was that kind of wife, and then her husband unexpectedly passed away, and she all of a sudden realized that she would never have to pick his socks up off the floor again. I have sat in many a moms’ group, women’s group and well assemblies at school with wives who sit and complain about such things. My hubby is right, he takes on that role here more than I do. And rightfully so, I think maybe in the last year, I may have picked his socks or pants up from next to his bed once or twice. I usually have a pile…by nature I drop and go…over the years, I have found that I value reading to my kids before bed than tidying up the living room. I don’t care if we have real dirt on the floor (you know the kind God made for grass to grow in) for one more day if my family got a hot meal. Do I like a clean neat house, you betcha, and you know what, one day, when there aren’t so many of us living in this smallish house, it will be…it will also be too quiet. So for now, if it’s 75% clean 75% of the time, I’m OK with that. Then just yesterday I see another post swirling around from a mom about how she doesn’t care if she is judged but she doesn’t do anything to help her kids…including making their lunches, breakfast, helping with an issue with their teacher, taking them something they forgot etc etc etc- and I am not judging her, just….all things make me go…hummmmm…
Ironically this post was all about serving, and how over the past year I have really been focusing on serving here at home better. How can I serve outside my home if I’m not serving well here first. That’s where it all starts right? Right where you are…and let’s be honest most of us serve our co-workers, friends and community better than we do the ones sleeping right next to us. We give them what’s left, our tired, grumpy, sad leftover selves. It’s a focus I have had for some time, and one that I totally mess up time and time again, all day, every day. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying. I want to create a relaxing, refreshing environment for my husband when he comes home from work. I want him to be able to focus on his family, not cleaning something up. I want to send my kids off to school with full bellies of healthy food. All this really hit me in late fall when I was wrapping up a bible study with a group of moms. The study had a section on community and serving. It talked a lot about serving starting at home. I started thinking about all the ways I serve my family at home. I make all the meals, (21 a week for everyone), I do the cleaning of the house, I do after school activity pickup, I do laundry (hubby does help with this because he is AWESOME!), food shopping, special occasion shopping (Christmas, birthdays, etc), all doctor and dentist appointments…and the list goes on…and yes, I sometimes get overwhelmed. It happens to the best of us. So what’s the solution? All those things I listed that I do, I do because they need to get done, right? Right, but there’s more. It’s not just about doing what needs to be done, it’s about how I do it.
I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted a big family. I am beyond thankful that it was in God’s plan for me. It wasn’t always easy, it isn’t always easy. The thing that really hit me about that chapter in that Bible study was how I am serving at home. Not what I was doing but how I was doing it. Because we all have to serve at home or we would be sitting in filth, hungry and very unhappy. Am I begrudgingly serving my family? Am I doing extra for them because I love and value them? Am I joyfully doing the dishes after dinner, that I cooked, that I shopped for the food for…you get it, you know. So OK I needed a bit of an attitude adjustment. I needed a what does Oprah call it…an Ah Ha Moment. Well it came during that Bible study. Not only did I need to be serving, but I needed to serve my family the way I want them to serve others. Joyfully with all the extras piled on top. To go the extra mile for them, because after all they are the ones God has entrusted to me. Why should I serve my community better than I serve my children and husband? They and their needs are my first priority. Community starts at home. So I set out to do one extra thing a day for all of them. I chose to make their beds. Sounds simple and silly right? It was something I didn’t do, and they didn’t do – the oldest two leave by 6:30 AM for high school – the third at 7:00 AM, but he shares a room with the youngest who is still sleeping. So I started making them every day…OK almost every day. Our 10 year old follows me around while I do usually and we chat and sometimes he even helps a little. I wanted something that stretched me a little too, see I don’t really like making beds. The first week, two kids thanked me for two days. After that no more thanks, but it didn’t hold me back. There are 5 beds that need to be made in this house – it takes me less than 10 minutes. I can’t tell you how this has changed my days. That one little thing has made me feel so much better about myself, my home, my family.
Proverbs 31 talks about a wife. This wife who does so many wonderful things for her husband and family. It talks about her smiling and laughing. It talks about her strength and dignity. It talks about how she speaks and her kindness. I want to be that kind of wife. I want to be the wife that no matter how tired I am I joyfully serve my family. Whether they seem to appreciate it or not. Because even if they don’t voice it, I know they do. Do I get tired, yes. Do I get frustrated from time to time because they don’t see the clothes falling out of the hamper into the hallway, yes, but I would rather be here picking up after them, and have them here and be able to serve them joyfully than the alternative. I think we often get caught up with the world’s new vision of what a wife and mother is instead of a Proverbs 31 wife. Could I do here what I do without what my husband does at work? No, not for a week, because we would most likely starve. And can he do what he does well without what I do here for him, no, because again, he would starve 😉 But in all seriousness, I see more finger pointing and complaining than joyful serving these days. I want my daughter to remember me joyfully serving our family, so she will joyfully serve hers. I want our sons to remember me joyfully serving them and their father so they look for a woman who will joyfully serve them and their families. I do make my kids breakfast and lunch. My mother did the same for me. It is my joy to do this for them. I do not think in any way that I am hindering them being able to make themselves a sandwich in the future. On the contrary I have been sick this week, hubby is out of town, and the older two have made breakfast and lunches for the younger ones, working together so I could stay in bed. I’m not a helicopter mom but yes, I will go in and have a conference with a teacher when things aren’t going well for our children, after they have tried to work it out with the teacher, I like them to be present if possible so they can see how to to respectfully handle a situation. Out of their entire lives we get them for 18 years, and I find it my responsibility to advocate for them on occasion.
Our one son thanks me for dinner every night when he gets up from the table. Will he get dinner without that thanks, yes, but it’s those little moments when I know what I do matters to these people here. That they are taking that away with them. Making these beds…making these beds has become more than bed making. It has given me an opportunity to focus on each individual member of my family, to pray over them while I pull their dirty socks out from under their covers and line up all the stuffed animals and pillows. Making these beds has reminded me to be thankful for each one of their personalities, gifts and talents. Making these beds has reminded me of all the little gifts God has placed under this one small roof. Making these beds I pray is making four better people to put out into this world.
Pam Woodruff says
Dear Jaime,
What a thoughtful, well-written article. Hopefully, this message will resonate with many people. There are many, many people that would benefit from hearing this message–including me. Thanks for the reminder!!
FizlDizl says
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement, it is very appreciated!
Lynn S. says
That was such a nicely written piece Jaime:) I remember our talks… but this was a reminder to me about serving.. so thank you!! I’ll get back on my path again to joyfully serving…
Your writing is such a gift!
Lynn
FizlDizl says
Awe, thank you so much for the kind encouraging words – I appreciate you Lynn!